The Spy

It's been ages since I slept.
How can I?
I feel like my bed is made of black,sticky blood.
The faces keep staring back at me
Here's one whom I shot
Here's another whom I knifed.
I  feel like thousand of ants running on my skin
Driven to a frenzy by the congealed blood.

I freeze a smile on my face
Fearing I will throw up
Spilling the blood,guts and flesh.
I keep checking the mirror
For a forked tongue or any fangs I might have grown.

I feel like a traitor
Acting throughout the day
You are doing it for the country son, they say
But am I not deceiving my life?

But I carry on
Yearning for that momentary bliss
When I catch a glimpse of you
From afar
Ivory skin, reddish brown hair
You look like an angel
To my tortured soul.

Every time I jump of the plane
Weighed down by guns and sadness
I remember the time I ran when I saw you
You couldn't stop laughing.
I was smiling too
I fleetingly saw your face
And smelled your perfume.
I had to run, you know
Anything close to my heart
Is seen as liability or an opportunity.

Yes I know
"Friends" laugh at me
I laugh with them too
A sad, maniacal laugh.

But look what I have lost.
Everything....
I can no longer see whats true.
But living this lie so long..
I yearn for normalcy
Just to be free to talk to you.

Dying in the line of duty is a blessing
But living the life of another
Is something beyond sacrifice.

Every time the enemy is in my cross-hairs
Every time I booby trap something
Every time I walk along dark narrow by-lanes
Looking for the enemy
I think of you
Wondering
Would you have liked me
If you knew what I was in reality?

Under fire
Dirt and hot air whizzing by
Under water
Silently swimming towards carnage
I think of you.

Every time I get shot,
I think of you.
Every time I jump into the unknown
I think of you.
Rushing by to save lives
I think of you.

I guess I will never be able to tell you
And when someday I lie somewhere
Body ridden by bullets
Or flesh torn by shrapnel
Life slowly ebbing
I will just have one regret
Of not having even one good look at your face.